Pump up the jam

When I reflected on how I wanted to convey my thoughts on this topic, I was a bit stuck. My initial reaction was, "does anyone even want to hear about this?" It's pretty personal, and I feel very specific to my life. But, every time I write something that feels unique to my situation, I get feedback from at least a handful of people with whom my writing resonates. So, here we go.

Breastfeeding is a topic that, for whatever reason, lights a fire in a lot of women. This post is not to debate the pros and cons of nursing, breastfeeding, bottles, or formula. All three of my kids have had varying forms of each, so however you feed your baby is awesome. Unless you're using chocolate almond milk to make formula - I saw a warning on the side of a jug of it once, saying "not to be used for baby formula" and honestly, that felt a little obvious to me. So, don't do that, just in case you were considering it.

I was a disaster with nursing Reid. We tried for 3 weeks, and I was SO relieved when the pediatrician asked if I'd considered formula as I cried my way through another appointment with him. Sydney was so much easier - I had a ton of lactation support and the confidence of having one kid under my belt already. With her, I essentially ran the breastfeeding support group circuit and went to meetings a few times a week to get help and weigh her, which helped ease my mind. I am still a member of the Lakewood Nursing Moms Facebook group, which was my favorite one (in case anyone is looking).

Emily was different - she seemed to get it for the most part, but I was constantly worried about her weight and whether she was eating enough. She was so sleepy at first that I'd have to wake her up to eat, which meant she wasn't terribly interested and didn't feed well, leading to more anxiety for me. It was a vicious and not terribly fun cycle. I told Kirk that I want to keep going until her 6 week appointment, and then I would give myself permission to stop.

So I did. I gave myself a few weeks of pumping and feeding bottles, telling myself I could stop at any time. It was only possible because we have full-time childcare, and even then it wasn't easy. Emily was still waking up once at night so I was getting up with her when she woke up, feeding a bottle of formula, then pumping after I got her back to sleep. Most of the time I was up for over an hour each night. Thankfully, she is a dream baby and slept through the night really early, around 10 weeks. At first, I was pumping 6-7 times per day, 15-20 minutes each time. I felt like all I did was attach myself to this machine. I supplemented with formula for a bit so I could have milk in the freezer as well. It was absolutely a full time job.

I figured I would stop once I went back to work - I've heard so many stories about employers not being very sympathetic to breastfeeding moms. However, I have to say, my company is amazingly supportive. There's a dedicated room (several rooms actually) with a chair, extra monitor, sink, mini fridge, and key fob entry for privacy. I was able to reserve the space on my Outlook calendar so that time could not be taken for something else. Our team lead let me go home early when I forgot my pump parts one day. I felt really supported, which was so essential. So I continued on.

Now, a year later, I've cut down to pumping twice per day. I feel really ready to be done. I

think about how hard it was at first, but at the same time, the right choice for me. I liked the benefits of breastmilk but I also like the data that bottles provide. Over the past 12 months I have pumped in bed, at my office, in the car (a LOT in the car), at my desk, at the airport, in several states, in public bathrooms (the worst), in a winery parking lot (the best), while driving (just once), while putting kids to bed, during meals, at a wedding, at book club, at holiday gatherings, at summer parties, and once- outside while looking at the stars in the Fingerlakes. I have no idea how much time I've spent doing this, but it's a LOT. I've had milk spilled, accidentally thrown out, and a whole 5 days' worth go bad because FedEx screwed up the shipment when I mailed it from Arizona to Ohio. That one was a real kick in the teeth.

I don't like to toot my own horn very often, but I am proud of what I've done. Anyone who has breastfed a baby - whether using a bottle or from the tap - knows the dedication and sacrifice it takes. I get up to go to the gym at 4:40am because I have to pump beforehand. I can't come home after an evening out and just go to bed - I have to pump first. And then there's the bottles and parts to be washed and sanitized...again, I have been so supported. Our nanny and Kirk wash that stuff 90% of the time. I guess that makes sense though - Kirk and I have a rule that whoever makes the meal doesn't have to clean up. 😂

Again, because this is a sensitive topic for a lot of people, this is just my experience. There were a lot of times that I wished I had "tried harder" to nurse Emily, but those are becoming more few and far between. I did the best thing I could for her, and I'm happy with my decisions. I couldn't have done this if I was a stay-at-home mom with nobody to help during the day. There were several days that it was just me and the kids, and boy that was tough to figure it out.

If you've made it this far, congratulations. You now know more than you ever wanted to about my breastfeeding experiences. And so, I'll leave you with this Office Space reenactment of how I feel about pumping at the moment.

Stay safe. xx